How to Talk So Kids Will Listen is the parenting book that I recommend most often. It’s based on the assumption that there is a 

“direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave. When kids feel right, they’ll behave right. How do we help them to feel right? By accepting their feelings.” 

Authors Faber and Mazlish argue that we frequently reject our children’s feelings when we think we’re trying to help. In this way we inadvertently cause our children to feel worse and listen less. Here are a few common ways we try to help that backfire.*

1.  Rejecting the Validity or Seriousness of our Child’s Feelings 

Examples:

“There’s no reason to be upset, it’s just a …”

“You’re probably just tired and blowing the whole thing out of proportion.”

“It can’t be as bad as you make it out to be.”

“Come on smile. You look so nice when you smile.”

Also, trying to distract an upset child, or divert their attention to something else.

 

2.  Blaming the Child’s Upset Feelings on Their Unrealistic Expectations

Examples:

“Life isn’t fair.”

“You should have expected that to happen.”

“Things don’t always go the way we want. You have to learn to take things in stride.”

 

3.  Giving Advice on How to Solve the Problem, Rather than Focusing on the Upset Feelings

 

Example:

“Here’s what you should do…”

Advice can be helpful when asked for by a child or after the bad feelings have been accepted.

4.  Questioning

Questions aimed at determining the “facts” of what happened divert attention away from the child’s upset feelings. Much worse are questions that essentially blame the child.

Examples:

“Why did you do that?”

“What were you thinking?”

“Didn’t you realize this would happen?”

5.  Defending the Other Person

Trying to get your child to see the other person’s side in a conflict can be helpful after your child’s feelings have been listened to, not before. Even if you believe that your child is at fault in a conflict, it is important to accept his or her upset feelings. It is only after the bad feelings have been accepted by his or her parents that the child feels room to take responsibility.

Examples:

“Maybe Jane didn’t see you were waiting so she didn’t know she cut in front of 

you.”

“Don’t talk about your teacher like that! Ms. Smith is a very nice person.”

 

Faber and Mazlish suggest four strategies for accepting feelings.

 

1. Listen with full attention. 

Faber and Mazlish give the example of a boy speaking to his father while the father watches a game on TV. 

 

Boy: “Eric punched me so, … Daddy do you hear me?” 

Father (eyes on the TV): “I can hear you. Go on.” 

Boy: “So I hit him back. Then he hit me again. Are you listening?” 

Father: “I can listen and watch the game at the same time. Go on.” 

Boy (becoming discouraged by his father not really listening): “Oh, forget it.” 

 

Faber and Mazlish contrasts this with the same example, but this time the father turns away from the game and listens to his son with full attention. 

 

Boy: “Eric punched me so, … Daddy do you hear me?” 

Father turns to listen with full attention. 

Boy: “So I hit him back. Then he hit me again – even harder. He’s mean!” 

Father continuing to listen attentively. 

Boy: “Know what? I’m going to play with Danny from now on. He doesn’t go around punching people.” 

 

This example underscores one of Faber and Mazlish’s main themes: when given parental attention and support, children are very capable of solving their own problems. 

 

2.  Acknowledge their feelings with a word – “Oh” … “Mmm” … “I see.” 

Faber and Mazlish give the example of a girl who had her new favorite pencil taken from her at school. Her mother responds with questions, blame and advice. 

 

Girl: “Somebody stole my new red pencil.” 

Mom: “Are you sure you didn’t lose it?” 

Girl: “I didn’t. It was on my desk when I went to the bathroom.” 

Mom: “Well, what do you expect if you leave things lying around. You’ve had things taken before you know. This isn’t the first time. I always tell you, ‘Keep your valuables in your desk.’ The trouble with you is you never listen! ” 

Girl: “Oh, leave me alone!”  

Mom: “Don’t be fresh!” 

 

Faber and Mazlish comment, “It’s hard for a child to think clearly or constructively when someone is questioning, blaming, or advising her.” They contrast this with the mom acknowledging the feelings with a word. 

 

Girl: “Somebody stole my new red pencil.” 

Mom: “Oh?” 

Girl: “I left it on my desk when I went to the bathroom and somebody took it.” 

Mom: “Mmm…” 

Girl: “That’s the third time I’ve had my pencil ripped off.” 

Mom: “Uhhh!” 

Girl: “I know. From now on when I leave the room I’m going to hide my pencil in my desk.” 

Mom: “I see…” 

 

This is another example of how Faber and Mazlish’s view that parental support – in this case attention and caring conveyed in simple words – helps a child reflect on his or her own thoughts and feelings and arrive at his or her own solution. 

 

3.  Give their feelings a name. 

For this, Faber and Mazlish give the example of a girl whose pet turtle has died. The father tries to “cheer” her up by diminishing the significance of her loss. 

 

Girl: “My turtle is dead. He was alive this morning.” 

Dad: “Now don’t get so upset.” 

Girl: [starts to cry] 

Dad: “Don’t cry. It’ only a turtle.” 

Girl: [starts sobbing] 

Dad. “Stop that! I’ll buy you another turtle.” 

Girl: “I don’t want another one!” 

Dad: “Now you’re being unreasonable.” 

 

The dad’s intentions are to comfort his daughter, but by denying her feelings he only gets her more upset. Faber and Mazlish then present the following alternative. 

 

Girl: “My turtle is dead. He was alive this morning.” 

Dad: “Oh no. What a shock!” 

Girl: “He was my friend.” 

Dad: “To lose a friend can hurt. … You two had fun together. … You really cared about that turtle.” 

 

Here the child feels comforted and supported. According to Faber and Mazlish, “Parents don’t usually give this kind of response, because they fear that by giving a name to the feeling, they’ll make it worse. … The child who hears the words for what he is experiencing is deeply comforted. Someone has acknowledged his inner experience.” 

 

4. Give them their wishes in fantasy. 

For this strategy, Faber and Mazlish give the example of a little boy who wants his favorite cereal for breakfast, but the family is out of it. 

 

Boy: [cheerfully] “I want my Toastie Chunchies.” 

Mom: [calmly] “We don’t have any dear.” 

Boy: [demanding] “I want them! I want them!” 

Mom: [impatient] “I just told you there aren’t any in the house. Have some Nifty Crispies.” 

Boy: “No!” [begins to throw a tantrum] 

Mom: “Now you’re acting like a baby.” 

 

Faber and Mazlish: “When children want something they can’t have, adults usually respond with logical explanations of why they can’t have it. Often the harder we explain, the harder they protest.” Instead they suggest: 

 

Boy: [cheerfully] “I want my Toastie Chunchies.” 

Mom: “I wish I had some in the house for you.” 

Boy: “I want them!” 

Mom: “I hear how much you want them.” 

Boy: “I wish I had them now.” 

Mom: “I wish I had the magic power to make a giant box appear.” 

Boy: “Well … maybe I’ll have some Nifty Crispies.” 

 

According to Faber and Mazlish, when we support our children and accept their feelings, they can calm down and find their own solutions. 

Try these techniques from this parenting book classic. See you if don’t find that you have a child who listens more. Here’s a link to purchase How to Talk So Kids Will Listen on Amazon.

 

 

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* This post is based on, and quoted from,  from How to Talk So Kids Will Listen pages 5-7 and 10-17.